July 31, 2012 [Chapter Eleven Test]

July 30, 2012 [Citrus]

Lemons and citrus. I've been trying to calm my mind tonight with lemon scents because I've heard that smelling a citrus scent can help distress your mind, which I really need. I am having off and on panic attacks for my chapter eleven test tomorrow, which is the last day to pass it. I can't deserve to fail math for the third time, I can't. I lost it enough for the second, but the third, I just won't make it through. I can do. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. Waking up early in the morning to take the test.

July 29, 2012 [52 Things I love About You]

I finally finished it! After many days of slowly working it, I finished the project of "52 thing I love about you" for mine and Robbie's one year anniversary which is on Tuesday. World Series of Baseball.

July 28, 2012 [Glimpse of Project]

July 27, 2012 [Mall]

July 26, 2012 [Studying for math test]

Trying to work on some math for my test tomorrow.

July 25, 2012 [Vet]

Went to try and apply to the vet and this is what I wore. Casual dressy with a business side. The actually vet doctor was nit in and I need to wait until August 6th to come back and ask for an interview. The employ did hand me an application to fill out though.

July 23, 2012 [Not Much]

Not really I picture for today. Mom went to the hospital to get a stress test done. I was vacuuming the house as my parents walked in. I did some math and called the eye doctor for an appointment on August 1st.

July 24, 2012 [Rain]

Went to math class today, in which there are only two more math classes left. I arrived home hoping to go to the vet's office to apply there for a job opening. Mom didn't feel like going. I little while later, Robbie called and "warned" me that Cody was heading up there to apply. Robbie was extremely pissed. Which I thought he was at me, for seeming like I don't do anything. Well me being upset, I sent him a message on facebook, saying "Why'd you f'ing call." Me not in the best of mood, walked outside and paced in the woods for about an hour. I haven't been there in about three weeks, since the beach. I refused to go there because I was tried of feeling depressed and I was trying not to refer back to my "happy" place, which in the long run became my "sad" place, because it received so much "negative energy" from be having been so mad at the time and resorting towards the woods. After I got in a good fight with a tree, I headed back inside, still pissed. I refused to read my Bible, for I was still mad. Not at God, just in general. I lounged about the rest of evening calming myself down as it was raining. Robbie called and explained that he was pissed at Cody

...to be continued....

July 22, 2012 [Walking]

I had stayed up till four this morning trying to backup my computer files. Fifteen disks and sixty-eight percent later, the backup cancels. I basically gave up on the though and am no longer going to sit for over eight hours trying to download my whole computer files.

Robbie and I walked six miles today at Byerly. We're legit thinking about making this a regular routine every Sunday evening. Even if we're busy throughout the week with no time to see each other, we still have Sunday. When he came over, he brought over the Harry Potter series for me to read in the future. 

So, I had read Matthews in the Bible today, but Robbie was talking to me about women not belonging in the pulpit, so I read 1 Timothy 12-15, which told the reason why. I have never been much for highlighting in books. Its kinda like I have this big respect for them and I don't like to cause "harm" to them, but today was the first day I had ever highlighted stuff in my Bible. I think of it as a "textbook for your life." I rather see someone with a beaten and battered Bible, then one that someone doesn't even use. The most worn books tell the best stories.

July 21, 2012 [Virus]

No, sadly this picture itsn't of me working out. Its of me drenched in rain water. I was replanting some plants that dad told me to do. So as I was outside, it started pouring. I actually found it quite relaxing, even though I'm not much for rain. Mom I had when shopping at Rite Aid and Dollar Tree, just to do some nick nat shopping. Gummi bears for the win. :) As I was doing my daily surfing of the internet, I was watching On The Box and I knew they had a school of evangelism. I looked into the website and I truly want to take the courses. Its a self pace study, but with all the work that I have with Tech this fall, I won't have any time. So maybe next summer? http://www.biblicalevangelism.com/

Later in the day, my laptop said that it had a virus, so I needed to backup the files. This is a long and boring process.

July 20, 2012 [Domino]

July 19, 2012 [Project]

I wore a dress to tech today. Not be cocky, but to be honest, I felt kinda cute. Not ever day, I dress up for no reason. I posted about three more million dollar bill gossip tracts on the bulletin boards at tech. The last one I had put up, wasn't there anymore; which was a good thing. When I arrive home, I started working on my project, in which I posted a sneak peak picture of it. Anonymous reasons behind it though. Leave the people guessing. I also called my Godmother; Mrs. Sylvia today just to say "hey" and talk. I'm glad I called her. 

July 18, 2012 [Sour Cream Pizza]

Went apron running with Mom today. To the library, drug store and grocery store. I got yummy rasberries, almond milk and a green machine Naked juice. From the meal deal chart, Mom and I got pizza, broccoli bites and ice cream(all natural.) I think the pizza brand is vegetarian, but I forgot what they are called, but it was so good. I read some more of the "Tortured for Christ" book. It's a book that makes me angry, but have sad emotions as well. I finished about fifteen cards for the project that I am currently working on.

July 17, 2012 [Gossip Tract & SpiderMan]

Made a ninety on my chapter ten test for the first time. I missed two questions that I could have gotten right, but I can't go back and change them. I am glad that I passed it though. I turned in my finical aid paperwork at tech today and the lady said that I will more than likey apply for a full pell grant, but that's only because I'll be taking five classes in the fall semester. If I take less classes, the less amount of money. While I was at tech, I was sitting down on a bench in the hall way waiting for the fifteen minute break to end, when it hit me that I could pin tracts to the bulletin board in the hallways of the school. Maybe people would see the million dollar tract and be interested in it. If interested in purchasing gossip tracts, go here to: http://www.livingwaters.com/index.php?page=shop.product_details&flypage=flypage.tpl&product_id=141&category_id=8&option=com_virtuemart&Itemid=199&lang=en
After I arrived home, I cleaned and did chores for while until Robbie headed over for a double date with his cousin Justin and his date; Lauren. We ate a Zaxby's where I got fried mushrooms and Robbie got a chicken strip plate. (yes, I want to write down every detail, to give me a better memory of the day's past) I decided to be nice to Robbie, because I wanted fried pickles, but sense he doesn't like pickles, I ate mushrooms instead. Just in case we kissed and I wouldn't taste so bad. Hehe. See, I try to think of others. Going out on a movie date, we all watched "The Amazing Spiderman" I must say, it was a good movie. A little on the sad side, but otherwise great plot and characters. Even though there was probably no chemistry between Justin and his date, Robbie wishes to go on more double dates in the future.

July 16, 2012 [Cards]

The cards are for a future project that I plan on doing and behind it is a list of stuff to write for them. I finished reading the first Harry Potter book today and started reading "Tortured for Christ" by Richard Wurmbrand. I know that I have said that I started reading it before, but I have read a couple of pages and quit, now legit, I have officially gotten past the first chapter and is interested in finishing it. Just in the first chapter alone, I had to reread certain parts of the text. Not because I couldn't understand it, but because I was in shock after what I had read. A truly amazing book that tells the behind the scenes first hand of the persecuted church.

July 15, 2012 [Flea Market]

Woke up at six to head to Mt. Croghen today. I love that place. Growing up there since I was nine and you tend to grow fond of the familiar faces and the atmosphere. The reason I love the Mt.Croghen flea market is how kind the people are, not matter how perverted they can get. There is always a reason to have a smile on your face around them. Looking at the kids and teenagers walking around, it it reminds me when I used to bring my friends there. It was like a new/old adventure every time. Being around people that long, kinda makes them like a second family. :) Mr. Ed wanted me to have a shirt, in which I didn't take one. I had got into a deep conversation with Ms. Pam, a new regular who took our selling spot. She was sympathic about it and a nice person to talk to. Anyways, I found this shirt Mr. Ed had and it reminded me of Robbie, to be honest; if you catch my drift.

I was home for about an hour when Robbie had called. We had made a plan to walk six miles at B Park. To be honest, it was a pretty good day. I attempted to do a few dips on the bars with the help pf Robbie. When we arrived home, we talked about a situation thingy ma jigy, that I really didn't want to talk about, but I knew that it would help if I did. Cooked veggie bean wraps for supper and had to wash dished afterwards, which is weird, because Mom never tells me to do that. I know how to wash dishes, but we have a dishwasher. Maybe she doesn't like me to use dishes and whatnots. I'm pretty much the only one that cooks in the house anymore.  Looking forward to walking some more miles next Sunday. 

July 14, 2012 [Replanted Plants]

I read multiply chapters and pages of Harry Potter. I have about four more chapters left of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. I loaded the van to take to Mt. Croghen tomorrow. Mom is not going though because she finally got all of her teeth pulled at the dentist Friday and she has this huge bruise on the side of her mouth. So just Dad and me working tomorrow.  Let's see if I can put up with him and everybody else on my own. Every summer I replant the plants that we own and I finally replanted most of them. I took one group of plants that Mom had bought before and put them in bigger pots to themselves so they can grow more. In the picture they look wilted, but that from me not watering them in steaming hot day. Don't worry though, I had watered them before I took the picture and even displayed them on an old apple crate in the front yard. 

July 13, 2012 [Lipstick Love]

 I legit had a good day today. I don't where lipstick much, but I have been liking and wearing this "smoked peach" lip color be Revlon lately. Robbie came over and chill for a while at the house, then made our way to Florence for the mall. After wandering the place, we ate a Charley's and reminisced our high school memories of each other and friends. I truly enjoyed it, but to be honest, I need to learn to detached myself from him some, so I won't hurt so bad. Maybe his dad was right.   Today was amazing, but tonight I let my mind get the best of me.

Robbie's mom keeps nagging Robbie, asking does Danielle (moi) have a job yet. His reply is always yes, because it is true. I don't. I haven't really looked either. The reason behind that, which I don't like telling people because they look down at me for it and also they say it itsn't true. I have these mental battles and yes, I know that everybody has them. Shut up. Having depression can take a huge chunk out of your soul. It started back in December, but the relapse started back in April. I just kept falling and I couldn't get back up. I may not be doing much, but over the summer I have been trying to make myself feel better. About myself and about everything in general. I look at the good to help myself ward off the bad. Honestly it truly is hard to explain. I just have these moments that are so bad that all I want to do it laid in bed and do absolutely nothing. I have to fight myself not to do self harm and force myself to get out of bed and do things. That's why I always try to create stupid stuff to do. I have these moments where I  do what to die, just maybe it would help, but I know it won't. That's why I have to keep moving forward. I do have this panic attacks that knocks me down. Its a thing where fear overcomes me for no reason. I worry over every little thing and I try so hard to keep my mind busy,but my mind always wanders away. I try to  If you judge, judge for a reason. I struggle just to make it through the day. I know it may seem stupid, because out in public, "they" say I'm "happy" and "cheery." I do like to find the good and live off the simple things. I live of the good, but feed off the bad. When I am alone, which is a lot, even when I do hang around people, a wave of sorrow with surge through me. At time to where I don't even know why. The worst always overcomes me. I love hanging out with you, but in the end it hurts so much. I don't want to do it anymore, I'm sorry, but I have now been degrading; sadly, not purposely though. I have been feeling good for a week or so, and I have been trying so hard not to fall. I actually have had a couple of legit "feel good" days.

July 12, 2012 ]Flower Painting]

Flower

Acrylic on Sketch Pad 

July 11, 2012 [Reading]

I started reading the Harry Potter series today. Little news, but I'm slowly improving myself. I woke up earlier than usually as in ten-thirty and I read the Bible first thing in the morning and I wrote three pages on Genesis; the book I am reading now. I did a section of math and also hung up a painting that I had bought a couple of years back in the living room.

July 10, 2012 [Outside]

Finished three sections of math today and I sat outside to view the water fountain in between classes. Simple day, with a busy mind.

July 9, 2012 [Albert Einstein]

Just another day. In desperate need of a photo, so wah la. I have a to do list on the right underneath the fact that I need to work on math. The two quotes that I have are "I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious." and "Everybody is a genius, but if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid." Both quoted by Albert Einstein. Above the quotes is a "I Love You" balloon from valentine's day gifted from Robbie. 

July 8, 2012 [Skin Peeling]

Yeah, maybe I shouldn't be posting this photo, but its was a lazy day today and my left arm started to peel from my sunburn.

July 7, 2012 [Unpacking]

This is basically what my week consisted of. Aloe vera, water and candy. #candyman Arrived home today around fiveish. Robbie and I went out to eat to Fatz's after leaving the beach house. By the way, you know your close to someone when you can literally talk about shit with them. lol oh, the memories that are created.

June 6, 2012 [Rice Necklace]

The third day at the beach, Robbie and I visited the flea market. Not being racist, but an Asian lady convinced me to buy a necklace in which it contained a piece of rice with mine and Robbie's names on it. I thought that it was so cute a creative. I had never seen that before. I don't think I would have bought the necklace if it wasn't for Robbie's name being there. He had commented that "we can't break up now, since you bought that." Upon walking around the market, in which it was inside, I had stumble upon a miniature bookstore packed with books. I tired so hard not to buy any. I just have a thing for books and I have plenty at home that I don't even read. I just love words, I guess.  

Upon gazing at the interesting items at the flea market, Robbie and I headed to Coastal Grand Mall. I walked into Dillard's after scanning the Dick's store.I tried on two summer dresses that were cute and my idea of the perfect little white dress. I didn't buy them because of the price. Robbie had commented and said that he liked my "girly side," because I seemed happier, but of course I have to drag him, in which I do not like. I like torturing him, but not in the shopping sense. Now, Robbie had told me to go into this store. It was pure enjoyment and torture for myself to walk into the Earth Bound Trading Company store. Everything in the store was buy one, get one free, on anything. I got two necklaces, but wanted to get more. I was trying to be good with my money, so yes I took pictures of the store. It was kinda like a world traveler's place. So this a Urban Outfitters has to be my favorite stores that I can think of. http://www.earthboundtrading.com/

After walking around some more, we drove back to Tanger Outlets, to buy a sazzy blue, button up shirt at the Eddie Bauer store. That was basically that there, ordered pizza at Papa John's, ate at the beach house, then hit up the pier and arcade later in the night. It was two before we got back to the house. Secretly, I've always wanted a arcade date. I thought it was cute, even with the hot, sticky and sweaty atmosphere. It was part of the mood and environment. We spend eight dollars total and won 229 tickets. We spent a while people watching on the pier and a few people were setting off leftover fireworks from the fourth. Making our way to the beach at night was an amazing experience. I stood staring out in awe as we started making our way back to the pier. Robbie and I laid out our towels and just sat there for about forty-five minutes. I truly enjoyed the moment, but I was being a wuss,  with sand digging into the sunburn and having an upset stomach, was not putting the moments in the best of moods. I felt sorry for him. I was so tired that I basically konked at as soon as I laid my head down. So yeah, I took off my shirt to relive myself some. I fell asleep in Robbie's arms on the couch. He woke me up for a little while to put clothes back on me, because his mother was in the same house. Then he waited until I felt asleep in his arms again to make his way to his thing. Today was pretty amazing. 

July 5, 2012 [Hard Rock Cafe]

Second day at the beach. While Robbie's family went to the beach for a couple hours(because we were so badly sunburnt,) we visited the Bodies Revealed museum. I must admit, it was pretty freaking awesome. I was thinking throughout the walk, on how patient and smart the scientist had to be to revealed and expose the bodies like they were. I wasn't allowed to take any pictures, but the event was a good study review for Robbie and his biology test coming up. http://www.bodiesmyrtlebeach.com/

After walking Bodies Revealed and walking around some of the stores in Broadway, Robbie and I hit up Hard Rock Cafe. The atmosphere is amazing and I love the decorations. I was telling Robbie that I would love to have a room in my future house, called the "music room," just dedicated to instruments, records, pictures and any type of musical fancy. It maybe a long shot, but its a dream. I did order a burger, but since I'm a vegetarian, I ordered the veggie burger. First burger I've had in over two years, and the first veggie burger I've ever had. It was mouthwatering.  Afterwards, Robbie and I met up with his family at Tanger Outlets. For the first time ever, I walked into Forever Twenty One. I think Robbie was happy that I was actually trying on clothes, but at the same time annoyed that I was taking so long and the fact that he's a male. 

July 4, 2012 [Beach]

I spent four to five hours outside at the beach with Robbie and his family. I turned into a lobster, Maddie and I keep applying aloe vera to ourselves. We took a boat to an island. We made our way to the island of "rich people and I waded the deepest I had ever into the ocean; waist deep. I had Robbie to "protect" me and we saw a small red jellyfish and thank mercy we didn't run into any sharks. We returned back to the house and all took showers and then watched fireworks once it got dark. First time ever that Robbie and I passed out tracts; the fourth of July.

July 3, 2012 [Robbie]

Is now at the beach with Robbie, his mom and a family friend, Ms. Debra. His cousin and aunt are suppose to be here tomorrow. Looking forward to so much fun!

July 2, 2012 [Dream]

July 1, 2012 [Cherry Pie]

Birth mom and dad came over and and my mom fixed dinner and made from starch cherry pie. Its so good. Should be going to the beach, maybe later this week.

June 30, 2012 [Owl Headphones]

I gift that I received from Katie for my birthday present back in May. I just opened the package tonight because I was waiting for my last green pair to bust or something. They still work, but I lost them in my room and I'm too lazy to look for them, so I opened my cute owls. Thank you Katie and Mrs. Michelle for the presents! June 30th is my biological mother's birthday. By the way, I have changed my blog's name from "Year 365" to "Under Ocean Waves."

They baby me, but yep I have to do everything on my own. Its funny, in fact.

The worst part of me.

     I can't tell the different between my nightmares and my dreams. My dreams rode the sailboat out to the horizon while leaving me floating on a buoy, not knowing which way land is.
     And as the sharks and jellyfish taunt me from underneath, I bend my knees trying to protect myself from the bites coming at me. For I am the worst part of me. I put on this daily facade, not letting people ask me questions, but yet, I still feel like a clown in a crowdful of business suits.
     I'm lazier than lazy can get, passed out on the bed asleep playing back the time in my head. But give me physically task and I can be the best quarterback on the football team. I can't quite make it to the NFL, but I'm trying my best just to be sane. Funny though, they say sane and beauty are all in the eye of the beholder. Perceptive is just the key to judgement and judgement is the key to personality. Which is what kills us as we get trampled by the feet cover in mud, as they hold up their hands innocently covered in blood. They know not of their actions, but if we opened up their thoughts, then everybody would be dead. Society is the rainbow. We see it, but cannot touch it and the pot of gold is never near. I guess what I'm trying to say is that society and people may seem kind, but once they, themselves take off their mask, they are the ugly ones. Society is so horrify ugly, that the truth is covered up and your nightmares become true. The sharks underneath your feet begin to chomped holes in your legs, letting the salt water burn your wounds. You try not to notice the blood coming out, hoping more sharks won't be drawn near. You don't want others to see you lose your battle, for they laugh at you the most when you are drowning. As you sink deeper and deeper into the ocean, what was once baby blue turns into a deep navy. Your airways keep getting tighter and tighter, looking for the easy way out. But no, there is no easy way. You must beg in your own mercy, finding nothing, but everything.
     You look above trying to find some sort of light, holding your breath from the last breath of air you took. The jellyfish sting you from all around, leaving scars for all the years that added up. You realize you're on your own, fighting for a smile. Perhaps a reason maybe. Everything that every made you happy just plunged you deeper into the ocean. Knowing that in fact you can drown and that you haven't reached the bottom yet can be a sign maybe, or even a fact, that you can punch with both fist. They may not leave bruises on your victims, but I'm showing that I can swim against a strong current, not matter how much I'm pushed back. I will fall back in the ocean many times, but if for one second I can grasp for one single breath of air, then that is enough.
     I know that I don't know much, but I'm trying to find my own taste in sanity. I'm trying to be the best version of myself, no matter how long I'm on my knees.