Looking back throughout the year.

Facebook: This year has taught me many things for my young mind. It was a rough, but good year. It was the year that I became a Christian, which has become a big deal for me. I had to force myself to let go of my past after multiple depressing months, but in realizing how strong I really am and how strong I have become since years past. I learn how to laugh at myself, the value of friendship, hard-work, help others and finding the start of who I might become. I've answered questions that I've asked for years and I've had to learn to let some unanswered questions, go unanswered. This year has its many ups and plenty of disappointments. I've remained a vegetarian for three years, losing twenty pounds and a great friend and having to trust the unknown. In all my young, ignorant nineteen years, I must say so far this is the year I grew the most. I feel as though I haven't grown much, but I know I have. This may all sound cheesy, but this year meant I lot to me. I lost so much, but learned so much more. I still have yet to learn patience though.

Robbie's mom keeps nagging Robbie, asking does Danielle (moi) have a job yet. His reply is always yes, because it is true. I don't. I haven't really looked either. The reason behind that, which I don't like telling people because they look down at me for it and also they say it itsn't true. I have these mental battles and yes, I know that everybody has them. Shut up. Having depression can take a huge chunk out of your soul. It started back in December, but the relapse started back in April. I just kept falling and I couldn't get back up. I may not be doing much, but over the summer I have been trying to make myself feel better. About myself and about everything in general. I look at the good to help myself ward off the bad. Honestly it truly is hard to explain. I just have these moments that are so bad that all I want to do it laid in bed and do absolutely nothing. I have to fight myself not to do self harm and force myself to get out of bed and do things. That's why I always try to create stupid stuff to do. I have these moments where I  do what to die, just maybe it would help, but I know it won't. That's why I have to keep moving forward. I do have this panic attacks that knocks me down. Its a thing where fear overcomes me for no reason. I worry over every little thing and I try so hard to keep my mind busy,but my mind always wanders away. I try to  If you judge, judge for a reason. I struggle just to make it through the day. I know it may seem stupid, because out in public, "they" say I'm "happy" and "cheery." I do like to find the good and live off the simple things. I live of the good, but feed off the bad. When I am alone, which is a lot, even when I do hang around people, a wave of sorrow with surge through me. At time to where I don't even know why. The worst always overcomes me. I love hanging out with you, but in the end it hurts so much. I don't want to do it anymore, I'm sorry, but I have now been degrading; sadly, not purposely though. I have been feeling good for a week or so, and I have been trying so hard not to fall. I actually have had a couple of legit "feel good" days.

They baby me, but yep I have to do everything on my own. Its funny, in fact.

The worst part of me.

     I can't tell the different between my nightmares and my dreams. My dreams rode the sailboat out to the horizon while leaving me floating on a buoy, not knowing which way land is.
     And as the sharks and jellyfish taunt me from underneath, I bend my knees trying to protect myself from the bites coming at me. For I am the worst part of me. I put on this daily facade, not letting people ask me questions, but yet, I still feel like a clown in a crowdful of business suits.
     I'm lazier than lazy can get, passed out on the bed asleep playing back the time in my head. But give me physically task and I can be the best quarterback on the football team. I can't quite make it to the NFL, but I'm trying my best just to be sane. Funny though, they say sane and beauty are all in the eye of the beholder. Perceptive is just the key to judgement and judgement is the key to personality. Which is what kills us as we get trampled by the feet cover in mud, as they hold up their hands innocently covered in blood. They know not of their actions, but if we opened up their thoughts, then everybody would be dead. Society is the rainbow. We see it, but cannot touch it and the pot of gold is never near. I guess what I'm trying to say is that society and people may seem kind, but once they, themselves take off their mask, they are the ugly ones. Society is so horrify ugly, that the truth is covered up and your nightmares become true. The sharks underneath your feet begin to chomped holes in your legs, letting the salt water burn your wounds. You try not to notice the blood coming out, hoping more sharks won't be drawn near. You don't want others to see you lose your battle, for they laugh at you the most when you are drowning. As you sink deeper and deeper into the ocean, what was once baby blue turns into a deep navy. Your airways keep getting tighter and tighter, looking for the easy way out. But no, there is no easy way. You must beg in your own mercy, finding nothing, but everything.
     You look above trying to find some sort of light, holding your breath from the last breath of air you took. The jellyfish sting you from all around, leaving scars for all the years that added up. You realize you're on your own, fighting for a smile. Perhaps a reason maybe. Everything that every made you happy just plunged you deeper into the ocean. Knowing that in fact you can drown and that you haven't reached the bottom yet can be a sign maybe, or even a fact, that you can punch with both fist. They may not leave bruises on your victims, but I'm showing that I can swim against a strong current, not matter how much I'm pushed back. I will fall back in the ocean many times, but if for one second I can grasp for one single breath of air, then that is enough.
     I know that I don't know much, but I'm trying to find my own taste in sanity. I'm trying to be the best version of myself, no matter how long I'm on my knees.

Thanks for not seeing me and thanks for not... I won't say. For you are the reason for may things and right now, its hatred. I am allergy to showing any form of compassion.

I need to make a plan to myself to read the Bible everyday for a month. Then eventually be able to read the whole Bible. but read every story and section seven times each. Its an idea that came from Way of the Master, On The Box episode. I figure, I have enough time and its something that I truly need to do. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mITxfuENqbo&feature=plcp

Over half the time, I don't even know what I've done wrong. I know I'm not perfect and I'm trying so hard to become stronger and make myself better person, but please stop criticizing and threatening me with everything I do.
I have dirt on my knees and I stumble a lot, but I'm not asking for much, when all I want is for someone to actually care about me. That would make a lot of difference. I want people to notice me.
I live in a perfect state of misery to where I don't even know what happiness is anymore.
I've tried so hard to try and find my state of bliss, but I've lost it somewhere between my mind and society.

First time making french toast. There's room for improvement, but yums. I had a sweet tooth and there was really no sweets in the house, expect cookies that I didn't want. I didn't take a picture of them because I ate them and I didn't feel like walking back to my room to receive my camera and wake the parents. Early morning breakfast. Don't judge me. I'm a fattie mc fatty.

I'm just trying to be normal and to fit into society. I know I'm a mess and I want to be someone. Someone that I like better.

I have decided to take a photo everyday for a year, starting today on March 12, 2012. The pictures will not always be of me, just of things that have happened in my everyday life. I am not a photographer. I wanted to create this blog as a keepsake. I have decided to do this so I can preserve my memories, because you can never have too many of them.